007 in Tomorrow Never Comes.

Recent events have sown the seeds for the latest in my series of stories set in someone else’s world: Bond in Buffalo.

James Bond, after having many adventures in exotic locales, finally tracks his quarry to Buffalo, NY. Q makes him take the BMW, because he won’t let the Vanquish anywhere near the Rust Belt. Bond shows up on a Sunday afternoon in December, dying for a drink after the endlessly boring drive of the 90. At first, he is under the impression that a neutron bomb has gone off, due to the utter lack of people or traffic. M informs him there’s a Bills game on.

He heads straight for the restaurant at which he is supposed to meet his escort for the night. He walks to the bar and lights up a smoke, much to the surprise and dismay of everyone around him. A woman walks up and asks that he extinguish it, slipping something into his jacket pocket.

It’s an invitation to a party being held by the evil mastermind, as per the plan. James downs his martini and heads back to his car, which is now covered with snow. As he brushes it off, getting salt and snow all over his suit, somebody asks him for thirty-seven cents to get to Niagara Falls. James declines and drives off.

A few hours later, and the party begins. James is on the prowl for someone to close the movie with, but can’t help noticing that all of the women are middle-aged and short. He asks the bartender where all the girls are, and receives the answer that everyone of eligible age has moved away. The bartender is clearly disappointed that James is straight.

Bond sneaks around until he is face to face with the bad guy, whose henchman captures him. As Bond is slowly lowered to a painful death, the mastermind reveals his plan to buy land to the west of every major city in the world. He will make man-made lakes, causing lake effect weather across the globe.

The mastermind would have been happy hijacking the signature bridge to get the bingo monies, or even opening a Mighty Taco at the new waterfront, but these were just pipe dreams, and now, scarred and disappointed, he is bent on world domination.

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