Sing sing sing

In God of War, half the game is getting through a series of trials to prove yourself worthy of receiving the ultimate weapon. From time to time, as you do the impossible again and again, you come across recently deceased warriors who got to a specific point and didn’t hit the right switch in time to avoid being skewered (or whatever). How do the gods react to this?

Zeus: Looks like we’ve got a contender! He made it past the minotaur, figured out the underwater puzzle, survived the spinny blade thing…

Athena: I hope this is the guy. I’m getting tired of putting that rock back on the shoulders of the Atlas statue and rebuilding the stained glass window for every schmuck that makes it past the “endless” desert.

Zeus: Oh, this is the winner. I mean, look at him! You’d think I was his father! As a matter of fact, does he look a little like a swan to you?

Athena: Damn it! He didn’t catch that second rope! I told you they were too far apart!

Zeus: Only the one who proves himself worthy can wield…

Athena: Oh, come on! Did you see how fast he figured out the move-the-rocks puzzle? This was the guy, but no… the rope swing has to be at least the length of the mighty Zeus’s pinky toe! Only those who can swing the length of the Sky Father’s pinky toe deserve the blessing of the gods!

Zeus: Watch it, Athy…

Athena: Or you’re going to do what? Chain me to a rock and have a gecko nibble my appendix out for eternity? Who’s going to help you outwit that shrewish wife of yours while I’m being punished? Huh? Who? You going to have Hephaestos build a Robo-Zeus to sit in the throne while you’re chasing the mortal skirts? Think you can distract Apollo from harassing nymphs long enough to help you? Huh? Do ya?

Zeus: I’ll take your owl away.

Athena: Sure you will, tough guy. Sure you will. I’m going to go see if anyone sacrificed anything worth eating. Let me know if anyone passes your test — I’ll be holding my breath.

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