Clever

Apparently all the Starbucks’ in the known universe were closed for three hours yesterday. They say it was for employee training, but we all know it was to assert their supreme dominance over American life.

“We believe that this is a bold demonstration of our commitment to our core and a reaffirmation of our coffee leadership,” said chief executive Howard Schultz in a statement.

Schultz was later quoted as saying “We also believe that this is a bold demonstration of how much you little fools depend on us. Comes the revolution, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha. MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!”