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The First Annual Buffalo Winter Driving Skills Competition

Day 1: Parking

  • Parallel park a 1992 Buick Century between two SUV’s on the side of the road that should have been plowed before the sides switched but wasn’t. Points awarded for time, proximity to curb, and lack of vehicle damage.
  • Park a sedan in an unplowed driveway between two houses. Demerits for hitting either house or not pulling far enough up.
  • Park on the road in such a way that a passing plow will not hit you, but a woman in heels can get out of the passenger side door without sliding under the vehicle. (Woman to be provided by event manager.)
  • Elmwood Village, 5 am. No one has shoveled. Find a spot that isn’t in front of someone’s driveway.

Day 2: Time trials

  • Drive down Main Street from Delevan to Allen in under ten minutes. Automatic disqualification if driver hits a pothole or if the “Low Trac” idiot light comes on at any time. Good luck.
  • The 33 from the198 to Genesee. Without windshield wiper fluid.

Day 3: Special events

  • You have a fifteen minute drive and a cold car. Find the balance between interior temperature and visibility due to the fog level of the windshield. Judged by an anemic woman with no gloves who hasn’t had lunch.
  • Navigate Gates Circle safely. The circle will be filled with cars driven by people on cellphones, the elderly, and people who only brushed the snow off the driver’s side windshield.
  • Take a left out of Panos at 1pm on Saturday. Points awarded for least number of people dead.

No four wheel / all wheel drive vehicles allowed. Extra points distributed based on amount of rust on your vehicle — 1 point per event per square inch. Three extra points per event if you compete with your girlfriend in the car.

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